My One and Only

Last night on the way home, I found myself in the same environment doing the same thing I was doing in that environment almost exactly this time last year: in the grocery store bathroom - in the same stall - taking a pregnancy test.  Except there were two very glaring differences this year as opposed to last.  First: this year my baby girl was in the stall with me, cooing and laughing and squirming to get out of her car seat, looking up at me with her big baby blues as I paced nervously for three minutes.  The positive result I so desperately hoped for last year was right there at my feet, waiting with me to see if my world was about to drastically change as it had with that little purple plus sign last year.  The second difference is that this time, I am NOT pregnant.  The positive result is that there is no positive result.

I honestly did not think there would be.   I knew I wasn't pregnant.  I have been popping birth control pills like candy from the moment my doctor said, "Go!", and I didn't have any of my tell-tale signs from last year.  But I have been feeling super-tired lately, and I've been nauseated the past few days, and I haven't had a period since Isla was born.  So, I thought I'd better check, just to be on the safe side.  Standing in that same bathroom with my baby, waiting to find out if there would be another baby, I told myself I would handle whatever happens.  "Whatever happens is meant to be; we will make it."  Of course I am immensely relieved that the test was negative.  We are not having another baby - we CAN'T have another baby!  Sean is unemployed and in school; I am unemployed; we are both flat broke and struggling to get by.  Financially, we'd be fools to have another baby and besides, that is not in the cards, anyway.  We are not exactly spring chickens, and Sean made it very clear last year that if there would be a baby in our future, there would be ONE baby and that would be it.  Every day I look into Isla's face, I know how lucky I am that she is here.  Sean has three other kids; he wasn't looking for any more.  Another one in addition to our little girl now would put our lives into the kind of tailspin that could end in disaster.  Not that it would, but it is entirely too possible.

So, no baby on the horizon, not now and very likely not ever.  I know this and I am okay with it.  I am beyond ecstatic to have my daughter, getting closer to my pre-pregnancy jeans and immensely enjoying being a Mom.  But I have to admit, I did feel a small pang.  Just a teeny, tiny little gulp as I saw confirmation that there will be no need for, "Sean, uh, we've gotta talk."  I know I don't want another baby, but yet I'm not ready to not want another baby.  It's like the clearance sales have ended and the windows have been boarded up, but I still can't believe I'm going out of business.  I picked up my Isla Bug and headed out the door, slightly remorseful that there won't be a Number Two but ever-so-thrilled that I've got my Number One.

Baby on the Way!

My water broke at my doctor's appointment today - woo hoo! It was so crazy. After everything I've read about how it doesn't really happen like in the movies with the big gush of water and that usually I'd already be well into labor, it was a huge shock that it happened like it did. Sean and I were in the exam room waiting to get checked to see how things are progressing and let's just say it was pretty much the Hollywood version of water breaking! So now, I am at home, four hours later and waiting for contractions to start, still feeling wonderful and awesome and frankly, a little in shock! I've cleaned, I've organized, I've done my hair and messed with my makeup and now I am waiting to hear from the doctor on call to see if I need to go to the hospital yet. Supposedly things should be getting interesting at any time but it all still feels completely normal at this point. I really don't want to hang out at the hospital if I can just as easily be at home, so I am curious to see what the doctor will say...

Happy Anticipation

I have had an absolutely lovely, wonderful weekend. Sam is staying with us now until the baby decides to come, whenever THAT will be, so we've all just been taking advantage of the remaining calm before the storm. Yesterday Sean, Sam and I went Christmas shopping and managed to survive - the crowds weren't nearly as big as they normally are. We bought some last minute things we needed as far as baby gear, had our traditional mall meal of soft pretzels and cream cheese, and got my oil changed. The truly great thing is that the service guy could not get all of my vehicle information inputted into the system correctly because he said he had a new computer program he was trying to learn. After trying repeatedly, he turned to me and said, "You know, I remember you guys from last time you were here and that you had to wait for your car much longer than you should have. Here, take your keys; this one's on me." A FREE OIL CHANGE/TIRE ROTATION! A FREE VEHICLE SERVICE! I mean, how often does THAT happen?? He could have easily gone to get someone to help him with the computer or just written up a random bill of charges, but he insisted on sending me on my way. I seriously got a little tear in my eye because it just seems so rare to me that people perform a kind act here and there, and as cheesy as it sounds, I think it carries even more weight around the holidays. It just felt really good to have someone do something so nice. That theme pretty much carried throughout the rest of the weekend, as Sam has slaved over the stove making us delicious dinners, allowing the three of us time to sit around the table by the glow of the Christmas tree and piles of candles, telling stories, making plans and generally just enjoying one another's company. We've gone for long walks, lingered at Starbucks, watched movies, and today Sam and I capped it all off with a mani/pedi that was straight out of heaven - Sam's generous treat and such a relaxing and stress-free way to come to the end of my wonderful pregnancy. Tomorrow we begin a new week, wondering what the Christmas week will hold and when we will get to meet our sweet babe. I am so grateful for all that I have. I can never let myself forget how happy I am, making these precious memories before we bring home our daughter.