My One and Only

Last night on the way home, I found myself in the same environment doing the same thing I was doing in that environment almost exactly this time last year: in the grocery store bathroom - in the same stall - taking a pregnancy test.  Except there were two very glaring differences this year as opposed to last.  First: this year my baby girl was in the stall with me, cooing and laughing and squirming to get out of her car seat, looking up at me with her big baby blues as I paced nervously for three minutes.  The positive result I so desperately hoped for last year was right there at my feet, waiting with me to see if my world was about to drastically change as it had with that little purple plus sign last year.  The second difference is that this time, I am NOT pregnant.  The positive result is that there is no positive result.

I honestly did not think there would be.   I knew I wasn't pregnant.  I have been popping birth control pills like candy from the moment my doctor said, "Go!", and I didn't have any of my tell-tale signs from last year.  But I have been feeling super-tired lately, and I've been nauseated the past few days, and I haven't had a period since Isla was born.  So, I thought I'd better check, just to be on the safe side.  Standing in that same bathroom with my baby, waiting to find out if there would be another baby, I told myself I would handle whatever happens.  "Whatever happens is meant to be; we will make it."  Of course I am immensely relieved that the test was negative.  We are not having another baby - we CAN'T have another baby!  Sean is unemployed and in school; I am unemployed; we are both flat broke and struggling to get by.  Financially, we'd be fools to have another baby and besides, that is not in the cards, anyway.  We are not exactly spring chickens, and Sean made it very clear last year that if there would be a baby in our future, there would be ONE baby and that would be it.  Every day I look into Isla's face, I know how lucky I am that she is here.  Sean has three other kids; he wasn't looking for any more.  Another one in addition to our little girl now would put our lives into the kind of tailspin that could end in disaster.  Not that it would, but it is entirely too possible.

So, no baby on the horizon, not now and very likely not ever.  I know this and I am okay with it.  I am beyond ecstatic to have my daughter, getting closer to my pre-pregnancy jeans and immensely enjoying being a Mom.  But I have to admit, I did feel a small pang.  Just a teeny, tiny little gulp as I saw confirmation that there will be no need for, "Sean, uh, we've gotta talk."  I know I don't want another baby, but yet I'm not ready to not want another baby.  It's like the clearance sales have ended and the windows have been boarded up, but I still can't believe I'm going out of business.  I picked up my Isla Bug and headed out the door, slightly remorseful that there won't be a Number Two but ever-so-thrilled that I've got my Number One.