Hard day today. Hard, hard day. It's a "crawl under the covers and give up" kind of day. Sadness is hanging over me like a thunder-storm ready to break and the angry winds of frustration are already beginning to blow.
I am feeling so defeated because I'm not making any progress, it seems. I weighed myself today - bad thing to do when I'm already in a mood - and the scale said 203 lbs. Um, okay, wasn't it 203 lbs. when I started this thing??? The scale is not moving, my clothes aren't fitting any differently, and I'm so irritated I can't even see straight. Now, I get it - my diet has had major screw-ups and I don't have my nutrition down yet. Despite the fact that this old dog hasn't quite learned the new food tricks, shouldn't I have SOME sort of payoff happening by now? Bo is on vacation so I won't train with him again for two weeks, and my homework is to be at 194 by the time I have my next weigh-in. What I don't get is that at the beginning of the week, I thought I'd easily have that in the bag! "No problem!", I said to him. "Cinch! Easy! Done." And now here I sit, at 203, ready to scream, bawl and scream some more. I was feeling so good in my workouts, on-track with my food and generally kicking some can, even with a nasty head cold. Now it's near the end of the first week and I am nowhere near 194, and doubting seriously if I will even get halfway there.
I've had my thyroid checked: nothing. Hormone levels checked: completely wackadoo, but on medication. Blood pressure is great, cholesterol is "abnormally low" and on paper, I'm a very healthy person. A healthy person who is also obese. How does this even make any sense? And how does it make sense that nothing I'm doing is working?
Hate this, hate this, hate this. I am trying so hard to keep my head above water, but the undertow is pretty strong today. I feel hopeless, although I know in my heart that I'm not. I ate right today, even though I wanted to drown my sorrows in the fundraiser chocolate sitting in our employee break room. I worked out - did my Bo homework - even though I felt weary and exhausted before I even started. And in the locker room, ready to burst into tears, I ran into Danielle Camp. One of our Gold's Gym members, and a little bit of a celebrity around our gym for the drastic changes she has made in her weight and health in the past couple of years. We caught up for a few minutes and discussed the ups and downs of our week, and I just wanted to grab her and shake her and say, "Tell me your secret! You're amazing and I want to be amazing, too!" But I already know her secret. Hard work. Putting in the work, both in the gym and at home. Picking herself up again and again throughout the pitfalls, and believing that she is worth more than quitting and giving up. She's in great shape, strong physically and mentally, and her energy and commitment are absolutely infectious. I can't say I left our conversation feeling super-sunny and positive, but I did feel inspired. Hopeful.
Ready to keep trying.
1 comment:
I hope that since i am reading this a few days after the fact that you are having a better day today?! BTW I keep meaning to introduce myself at the gym, but I either am running out of time in the kids club or you're with a new member.
YOU CAN DO THIS!!! Write it everywhere you can see it! Try different things! I am doing Weight Watchers and although they allow you to have breads and such, I had to cut them out because I wasn't losing anything. My weight has fluctuated up and down and some weeks I only lose a pound, AND THAT IS FRUSTRATING!!! But you've got to power through and know that you have the ability to do this! You have the POWER to do this! I have to keep telling myself that I'm in this for the long haul and that it may take me a couple of years to lose the weight, but my point is persevere. And keep telling yourself that you can do this!!!
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