Mini Freak-Out.

Here is what I am kind of digging about my blog right now: the fact that I never get on it, which means there is never anything new to read, which means probably no one is reading it. Which means, I can take a few minutes just to have a minor freak without any immediate reactions.

I am currently pregnant, for the second time in my life. Two years ago at this time, I miscarried, and I eventually settled back into a life of birth control pills and a forced acceptance of the fact that I was not meant to be a mom. In January of this year, Sean and I decided to try for a child again, mostly because I hurled my bawling, snot-nosed self at him and confessed that I have just haven't been okay with actively choosing NOT to be a mom. By some miracle, he agreed to pursue the possibility of a baby with me. This decision was not an easy one for him by any means, as he already has three children and has never for even a second led me to believe that he wanted more kids. Especially because he flat-out told me several times, "I never want to have more kids." When I got pregnant the first time, Sean was a complete doll and 100% on board for the future, but I know that once the dust settled after the miscarriage, we both kind of went back to our old mentalities of, "No more kids." Only, that hasn't ever really 100% been my mentality since then, so the fact that I am pregnant again, not only Sean's support but with his enthusiasm, is just absolutely mind-bogglingly wonderful.

I am thrilled, stunned, excited, giddy and ridiculous. I already have my doctor's appointment set up for two weeks from today, and I have managed to tell 95% of the world's population that I am once again sperminated. I feel like I am already "glowing," that my boobs are twice the size they were even yesterday, and I swear my pants already seem snug (but I think that is really more because of my recent mass consumption of Cadbury Creme and Mini Eggs over the course of the Easter season). I feel different about this pregnancy. I feel positive and hopeful that all will go well and that we will have a baby right before Christmas. I exercise every day, I eat as well as I can, I've cut out every possible thing I should cut out, and I have been downing folic acid since the moment I tossed my birth control pills into the trash. Physically and mentally, I am so very ready for this and I am completely floating through life on a cloud right now.

But. I've got this nagging kidney pain on my left side. My left ovary is constantly killing me. My boobs no longer hurt (and it has only been five days since I took my first test), and I feel no nausea whatsover. These were all the persistent indicators that finally led me to the emergency room two years ago, to find out that I had lost the pregnancy at eleven weeks. And I have to say, I am freaking out. Just a little bit. Just internally, silently. I do not want to bring any negative energy into this pregnancy, so I don't want to start worrying and obsessing. But it is incredibly hard not to do just that, when my only frame of reference for what is going on with my body is the awful experience two years ago. I just need to get through the first sketchy twelve weeks. I need to stay positive and I am continuing to go forward with cruising baby name books, writing in my new pregnancy journal and organizer, and devouring every baby website I can find. I just needed to have a second to be worried. To recognize some of the old signs and fervently hope that they are not going to be the same new signs. I am no spring chicken, and I am not a glutton for punishment. And I will not, will NOT go through this repeatedly.

Please. Just hang in there, little one. Lots of people want to meet you.