Break

I think one of the worst types of heartbreak is the kind we bring on ourselves. No external forces, people or events come into play, but instead the ache is a direct result of the decisions and actions that leave us sad, depleted and wasted with grief and regret. I'm there now. I can't get past it or around it, and I definitely can't seem to get through it. The truly awful thing is that all I've wanted for longer than I care to remember is to just FIX IT. I'm kind of like a guy that way when it comes to my own problems: I don't want to talk about it - I want to move straight to the solution. No discussion, no tears, no blaming - just assemble the parts and put them together as effectively and efficiently as possible. Get everything to work and move on. Any other time, I'm the first person to sit and analyze people and situations, flinging out my opinion and my own little brand of armchair psychology. I will talk about someone's drama all day long - to the degree that it probably feels less like a conversation and more like an interview - and I'll do it with genuine interest and desire to learn, understand and help. All of that would be useful in addressing my own situation, but tilting that lens on myself is simply just too much to deal with. I let it go and what starts as a hairline fracture becomes the crack that leads to the inevitable: the heartbreak. The heartbreak that I can't talk about, or won't talk about or more truthfully, that I'm sick to death of talking about. It's ruled my life and it dominates my thoughts, my movements, my time. It is the monkey on my back and no matter how badly I want it gone, it has settled in so comfortably and wrapped itself around me so tightly that I fear we may never be pried apart. And I don't know what to say about it, other than that I can't fix it. I HAVE TO AND I CAN'T. It continues to tear away at me, taking more of the pieces of which I've already lost too many. The wounds won't heal and the temporary bandages won't stay on. And all I end up doing is inviting more hurt, clawing in deeper and creating new scars to hide the old ones. Creating new heartbreak. I'm getting too old for this. There are other things I want to do, to think about, to spend my time on. Something has to happen here. I have to allow myself to look for the solution by looking at the problem and that is just too scary. But staying the same way, not doing anything about it, is far scarier. Where to begin...?