Pinpoint

I think the thing I am struggling with the most right now is that I want so much more for myself, and I am having a hard time letting myself believe that I can have more, and whether I am in any position to actually begin the process.  Mainly because A: I have no idea what that process is or even where to begin, and B: because every time I have wanted to give myself more in the past, I have been shot down.  Maybe not initially – there have been times where things have gone really well in the beginning – but eventually some shit storm catches up to me and everything implodes. 

I have been trying to analyze where things have fallen apart for me in this past year that have caused me to balloon up and give up.  Not that I need something to blame because I take plenty of responsibility, but I also know that sometimes there are triggers.  They can go unnoticed and unidentified unless you really dig around and come up with something.  Then if what you can come up with makes any sense at all and links you to the chaos in which you now find your life (Hi, me.), maybe you can use it to begin to rebuild.  While I haven’t figured out in the least how to rebuild, I believe I have figured out a couple of the culprits (in addition to the other constant stress webs from which I work so hard to untangle myself without success, like finances).  I had a couple of events that I was looking forward to doing/attending last year and when they didn’t happen for me, it was devastating.  They were things I had been looking forward to – good things that were going to do good things for me – and they disintegrated into what I perceive to be the same old story for me: “Amanda looks forward to something.  Believes that finally, she is going to make something wonderful happen.  Amanda gets screwed.”  My heart has sustained several small breaks in the past few years, and while there have been some beautiful things happening to plaster over the cracks, I feel as if lately everything is finally beginning to shatter.  So I have decided to just let it happen.  To stop trying to keep an old broken heart together and instead to maybe start fresh with a whole new one.  One not bursting with the pain and ghosts of past sad things, and instead ready to fill with new, happy things.

Now, to just find those new, happy things.