"I don't have a weight problem; I have a self-care problem that manifests through weight." Oprah
I am so loathe to quote Oprah. Why? Because she's Oprah. Because whatever Oprah says - especially if it happens to be insightful and possibly encourages a look within ourselves - it then becomes gospel, and I just hate getting on that bandwagon. It's kind of like Sam's stubborn refusal to embrace the brilliance of the Twilight book series, or my stubborn refusal to embrace the brilliance of the Harry Potter book series (What? I saw the movies...). The very fact that 95% of the world is super-mad-crazy for these books, as an example, is the very thing that sometimes propels my sister or me to do the opposite, which is to try NOT to be in the frenzied path of the bandwagon so that it does not roll by and squish us onboard without so much as a thought for what we are doing.
With the sparkle and shine of the new year beaming before me, however, I have found this latest Oprah-ism to be not only insightful, but to be a Smack-Into-The-Wall, Throw-Cold-Water-On-Me-In-The-Shower DEAD-ON summation of what I have been through in my years, in my lifetime of struggling with my weight. It's not struggling with my weight; it's struggling with my ME! That simple little comment from Oprah on her own struggles has clarified things for me in recent days on levels I cannot even describe. To see new things about myself and my direction and my life, and to allow myself to just be ME. Not a size, not a certain weight, not a certain body type, but to just my best physical, emotional, inside/outside self. For me, for my approval, and for no one else.
Since I was young enough to understand the promise of New Year's Resolutions and the shame of The Fat Rolls (so, roughly, second grade), I have made my resolutions with the intensity and fervor of a crazed person, and always, always at the top of the list: "NUMBER ONE - LOSE WEIGHT. Be what I think I need to be on the outside to earn love, keep love or avoid losing love." I have fought so long and so hard to make myself loveable in the one way in which I perceived I could only be loved - to be as thin as possible - that I never realized how unloveable I was to the most important person: myself. I never got "as thin as possible", but I have made myself more miserable that I would have ever thought could even be possible.
I believe I have rebounded. I have grown, I have learned, I have changed. I still fall down with a hearty thud from time to time, but I believe I can get up gracefully, dust my knees off and keep climbing. It's so weird because that's what I feel like I'm doing: climbing. Just up and up and up. And it is all because I discovered what Oprah was talking about - my self-care problem. Not my weight problem. Not cottage-cheese on my ass or jiggly-wiggly underarms. By casting aside the one-percent and instead allowing myself to invest in my other ninety-nine has helped me feel like the whole 100% can not only be good, but it can be out-effing-standing. Weight problem? Potentially solved, I'd like to think. Self-care problem? Ahh, yes. Working on it. Probably always will be.
So, no. This year, no resolutions. I have never known how to start building a new year without first tearing myself down at the end of the old one, and so it's not gonna happen this time. I have no need for it, and no desire. What I will ever look like on the outside can never be as good as who I am on the inside, and this year, that's where my bandwagon is rolling.