Mother's Day Weekend - A Novella

This was the best weekend I have had in such a long time. I was so sad to see it end, yet coming to work this morning I was just content that I could reflect back on such a great past two days. We didn't really do anything remarkable but the whole weekend was awesome.

It all started with a couple of gifts in the mail for me, which was too cool; who doesn't love getting presents?!? One was a beautiful card with a huge bottle of my favorite perfume, Be Delicious by DKNY, which was from Sonjah; the other gift was a box of four shot glasses in the shape of different Tiki God heads from Sam. She sent them to me as a Mother's Day gift, which was incredibly sentimental and unnecessary and sweet. The kids were with their mom this weekend so Friday night we were able to drive down and hang out with some friends in The Junk (Grand Junction). Thomas and Kortney used to live by us but they moved so we hadn't seen them in a really long time - not since they had a baby girl in October. I got to obsessively hold their squishy, puffy adorable daughter and Sean got to pack in some much-needed Red Bull and Jager time with Thomas. We stayed the night on their couches because it was so late and we didn't want to drive home at three in the morning, but really, we didn't want to drive home because we wanted to be in town so we could go shopping and just putter around since our world has pretty much been Parachute and Rifle for MONTHS. Sean woke up at 6:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. I tried to rally but couldn't make myself move until 8:30, when I woke up to Sean watching an infomercial for Hip Hop Abs. The details are a little fuzzy, but I remember commenting on how I've seen that infomercial before and would love to have that workout. In my half-awake, half-asleep state I became entranced listening to the "buyer testimonials" and the next thing I knew, the World's Cutest Irishman was handing me his phone, saying, "It's dialing." Fifteen minutes later the operator talked me into spending $148.17 on seven various hip-hop workout DVDs, dance instructional DVDs, and a 30-day supply of "supplements" that I'm sure are nothing more than thinly-disguised Vitamin C. We were laughing about this incident all day Saturday because it was so entirely random and impulsive and insane. I told Sean, "It was like I was drunk even though I hadn't been drinking. Wake up, immediately drop almost $150 on exercise DVDs, get on with the day." It was too weird, too funny, and we are totally looking forward to the arrival of our DVDs! This could mean absolute carnage "in da club" when Sean and I bring our hip-hop asses to the hizz-ouse!!

The rest of the day was spent eating and shopping, two of my very favorite pasttimes. Side note: shopping is ridiculously fun when you are no longer an incredible fat ass. WOW. I had no idea. Our most exciting purchase, next to the hip-hop awesomeness, was at the friendly neighborhood Verizon store where we acquired shiny new Blackberries. HOLY EXPENSIVENESS, but it will be totally worth it. After we pay off the gobs of money stacked onto our next bill, we will each have to pay an additional $30 per month because of the anytime internet/email access, but we are very excited about our new twins - his is silver, mine is pink. I'm thinking of naming them Brad and Angelina...[crickets chirping]. The only downside is that now I will actually have to learn how to use this phone since it is SO MUCH MORE than a phone; I will no longer be able to pull the Matthew Dunn move and exercise complete and total refusal to embrace technology. I'm scared. Hold me.

We moseyed over to the theater and downed hot dogs, popcorn and Junior Mints while watching Iron Man, which we LOVED and must buy when it comes out on DVD. Loved it, loved it, loved it! Even Gweneth Paltrow didn't annoy me like she usually does and Robert Downey Jr. was as brilliant as always. We rounded out the day at home, worked out, played with our Crack - er, Black - berries, and watched 27 Dresses. I'm all about Katherine Heigl and she totally reminds me of/looks like my little Sam.

Sunday I called Sonjah, wished her Happy Mother's Day and made sure she liked her gift certificate for a facial that I bought. Sam and I tried to do something different for her this year because flowers are lovely, but they only last about ten seconds before the cats tear them apart. I met Mom at her house with an armful of hot pink azaleas and a balloon and took her out for breakfast. I gave her a floor mat and five yoga-or-pilates sessions at the local feel good studio, so we'll see if she actually uses it. She is so insanely busy all of the time that she is terrible at carving out time for herself, so it is very possible that her gift will rattle around in the bottom of her purse along with years of unused Victoria's Secret gift cards. If she hasn't used it by next year, I will steal it back and use it myself!

Back at home, Sean and I downloaded music to our Berries, did laundry, worked in the yard and began the annual "Why Won't These Mother-Effin Ants Ever DIE?" insecticide rituals that take place all summer long. Then we loaded up the mower and I went over to my grandma's and aunt's to mow their yards, where my other aunt proposed to pay me $50/month to do their lawns/yardwork once a week. I tried to protest because I'm perfectly happy doing it for free because that's what families do, but winning an argument with anyone from the Zartman side is impossible, especially when money is the subject. I was way too tired to work out when I got back, so I went the opposite way and made spaghetti with Italian sausage and tons of crescent rolls, and we carbo-loaded our asses off, without a single vegetable in sight. Topped off with mounds of peanut butter fudge from Aunt Kathy, I can safely say this was NOT my healthiest weekend. It was a weekend filled with decadence and sweets, with nothing sweeter than the constant reminder of how lucky I am.