Ambiguously Ambiguous

I'm reading The Mermaid Chair by Sue Monk Kidd, who wrote The Secret Life of Bees, which I LOVED. This book is really good so far and I am really liking it, although, in a way, it kind of makes me a little... uncomfortable, I guess. Uncomfortable in the sense that the main character struggles a lot with (A) the death of her father; and (B) the loss of herself, really, in a way. She just has no idea who she is and looks at aspects of her life and can't figure out how or when she got to the point at which she is. It just freaks me out a little because I can feel my stomach lurch at the parts where I think, "That is ME. That's me AGAIN, right there!" The BIG difference is that the woman in this book (at least so far, and as it seems to me) is unhappy with her life, and her unhappiness then leads her to have an affair. It is the longing for something more which continuously haunts her that is the big comparison with me right now. I am certainly not unhappy, but I'm not okay. Content? Content is something I'm not. I have had an incredible feeling of just plain restlessness lately, and I really can't put my finger on it, but it's something that's been bugging me for a while.

Last night I dug out the contents of a box labeled "High School" that Sonjah had given me when we were in Montana for Thanksgiving. I found the usual yearbooks, cap and gown, cards and what-nots from my friends, and other things. The one thing that got me, though, was this time capsule I had made. I did it my sophomore year, and got it back the day of graduation. The freaky thing is how much I have NOT changed since high school. My best friends then are my best friends now (for which I am ridiculously grateful, and for which is the one thing I NEVER want to change). I was then, and am now, in a perpetual state of growing my hair out. I was completely obessessed with my body and my weight. Hmmm, no different there. My favorite band was Depeche Mode (still in my top three or four). My favorite food was Spaghettios. What did I have for dinner last night? Spaghettios. Wanna hear something PATHETIC?? One of my three "heros" I had to list was MY STUFFED CURIOUS GEORGE MONKEY I'd had since birth. A HERO. CURIOUS GEORGE. A STUFFED MONKEY WITH ONE EYE, HIS NOSE RIPPED OFF, AND HIS ARMPIT STICHING COMING OUT. A HERO. What IS that?!?!? And where is Curious George now? IN MY ROOM, ON MY DRESSER. Good. Lord. It just goes on from there.

Don't get me wrong. I am happy with many things I've done, and with some things I'm doing, like with changing my health. But you know - weight-loss, frickin' schmeight-loss!! I am thrilled with how that's all going, but geez, I do NOT want my mark on the world to be, "She gained weight. She lost weight. [She quite possibly gained and lost more weight, numerous times over the course of her life]. She answered phones. She sent faxes. One of her heros was CURIOUS GEORGE, HER STUFFED MONKEY." I'm not saying I even really NEED to make a mark on the world, but a little mark here and there on MY world would be great. Some hard truths: I really could give a rat's ass about most politics (you can hate me, but there it is). I haven't really championed any major causes or charities that I feel I HAVE to stand behind (except doing MS Walks). Hell, I don't even really care if my food is organic or has a zillion preservatives. (And, we're back to the Spaghettios). I'm just such a Blender-Inner. A Melting-Potter. An On-the-Fencer. And I just feel very on-the-fence about things in my life. And I'd tell you what they are, but I'm on-the-fence about that, too, and I afraid that all of that just doesn't make for a very interesting person.

I just don't feel very evolved, I guess, and I feel like there's a lot more "growing" for me to do, and I have no idea how to do it.