Pathetically Pathetic
I am having just a phenomenally bad today. I know I'm overtired, which is nothing new. I always end up staying up way too late, even though I know it is so difficult for me to function (as with anyone) without an adequate amount of sleep. It is a routine that I can't seem to break, and it seems to be later and later every night before I hit the hay. So I got up later than I'd like after pushing snooze for almost an hour. I have a terrible habit of doing that, too. I used to set my alarm purposely for two hours ahead of time back when I was REALLY bad with the snooze button, but I'm a little better now. And so, what better way to start off an already sketchy morning than by stepping on the scale? I've lost seven pounds, and then as of this morning, I'd gained 3.5 back. I cannot tell you how incredibly frustrating that is to me, considering that I have been working out every day and trying to stay off of the scale. Then again, it's no wonder because my eating habits are still terrible, and I just really hate myself for it right now. OF COURSE you can't lose weight if you eat like every meal is the last one you get on death row! This seems like such a fixable problem, and yet it seems utterly unfixable with me, all of the time. I am dreading spring, because that morphs into summer, and then I get to relive another summer of being a sweaty, fat blob who can't wear decent clothes and has no style because tents are NOT stylish. Except this summer, I have to try to pass a certain tent off as a bridesmaid's dress since my stepbrother is now engaged and getting married in August. I swear to God, I really hate myself right now. And I'm embarrassed that I do, but I can't help it. I'm such a disappointment to myself, and I hate myself even more for feeling sorry for myself. There are so many people out there who have things so much worse than I could ever dream, and believe me, I KNOW THIS, but it just is NOT making a difference right now. I really do try to be grateful for what I have - I DO - but it is not happening today.
I question myself constantly on whether or not there is something in my subconscious telling me I don't want to have kids. I feel like I do want them one day, and lately I've been feeling that sooner is better than later, but if that's the case, why can't I fix what's broken in myself? Lose weight, be healthy, and get over yourself, Woman! Fix yourself before you screw up your future daughters!! In the meantime, pray that you have sons so that hopefully, somehow, you can have children that can escape your insane body issues! If you have boys, they will be okay and YOU CAN'T WRECK THEM or break their little hearts with your neuroses!!
Compounded with other stuff going on right now with my family and outside things, it is all just extremely overwhelming, and I need to crawl into a hole and cry for a few days.
* * *
I'm trying so hard - so hard - to hold myself up.
I miss my dad so much that I feel like my body is cracking from the weight of knowing he is gone forever.
7 comments:
You need to get haloscan. I usually log in, but I'm too lazy.First of all, stop beating yourself up. As people, we're fallible and what counts as to our character is the ability to get back up again. Hating yourself is just part of the cycle that allows you to not do what you want to do.You're obviously not miserable enough to break the cycle.I don't want to sound preachy. I feel for you, I do. Keep positive and keep getting up. You'll get there. You're just that type of person.Grace
Grace, you didn't sound preachy, don't worry. I need positive comments that tell me to get off my butt like that! :) Tomorrow will absolutely be a better day.I tried to get Haloscan once and COMPLETELY jacked up my blog. It still isn't entirely "fixed." How do I do it without making it a big ol' mess? Last time I pasted the code it, but then couldn't get rid of the existing comments section.
Hon, it's OK to have days like that. If it stretches into weeks and months, I highly suggest talking to a professional. Can you afford a personal trainer. It always helps when I have to be accountable to someone. (((((((((((((((((hugs boonzie))))))))))))))))
Boonzie - You're on your path. No matter how frustrating it feels today, it's the path that will serve you in the future. I have to respectfully disagree with the commenter who posted that when you're miserable enough about the situation, you will change. Well, I don't disagree actually, a lot of people have to do that. I just offer an alternative, which is my experience.I started to change after my son was born, 4 and a half years ago. I had been miserable - plenty of it - for most of my life. (not all of it weight related) I was 100 pounds overweight, unfit, unhappy. But I was loved. And I was in love with my son, and my husband. It wasn't until I saw myself through my son's eyes that I liked what I saw. Then I started changing, and I'm still evolving (three steps forward, two steps back) but I'm so much closer now to the person I want to be.Losing your dad - I can't even imagine. I dare not even try. Sometimes, like in my case, you have to heal a little *first*. That's all. Be patient. Be kind to yourself. Oh. And the scale is satan. I know - I am such a scale ho and it can ruin your day or boost your spirits, but's she's a fickle mistress, and I suggest you run as far as you can and never look back. Advice, by the way, I am incapable of taking. *sigh*- Mia
Hey Lady~It WILL get better . . . .and you're NOT pathetic! It's all about the positive spin.You have KEPT OFF 3.5 pounds. You've been exercising EVERY DAY which means your heart is functioning better. Considering our family history, we need all the help we can get with the ol' ticker. Don't think of all the neuroses you're going to pass to your children. Think of the glorious things that they will inherit from you. They'll all have beautiful dark brown eyes. They will have a laugh like no other person in a room. They will have a bizarre penchant for board games and sledding waaaaay past the age that those activities are considered "age appropriate". They'll be risk takers. They will give concerts in the car. They will live and react organically to love, loss, fear, guilt, excitement, doubt, frustration, and hope. Of course, they will have a single auntie in Chicago who will tell them the many reasons why you are such a great mother, in case they forget. Boonzie, I know there are a lot of things swirling in your brain and you can't get any of them to make sense. Stop thinking of what you are doing in terms of the roles you play/are going to play: wife, mother, daughter, sister. Those are all labels you have because of a relationship to SOMEONE ELSE. When you get on that bike or treadmill tonight, think of what you are doing in terms of being a WOMAN. The strength and determination that will get you through that movement is all part of you being who you are. When you achieve the weight and lifestyle that you want, it will be yours. Dad's death didn't get you there. The Noodle didn't get you there. Your children won't get you there. They are all great motivators, but in the end, it's all you, baby! You're the one who makes that committment every day. When you think of it in selfish terms like that ( I know that's a difficult thing for you to do) the movement and the weight issues becomes secondary to the feeling you MUST have of taking care of yourself.I love you, and I'm proud that you are one of my Woman Heroes. Get your ass on that bike tonight to give yourself a little peace!
{hug}My quick advice?? And I'm not a professional...water. Lots of water. I try to drink 3-24oz bottles a day. I have a small breakfast, light lunch and whatever I want for dinner-without going overboard. And keep with the exercise. I HATE exercise. Lothe it, and that is where my weak link is for health. And I hear you about your dad. I'm not holding up all that well with the ~grief thang~ either, but I have good days and bad. I try to take it one thing at a time. It all takes time.~L.
Keep your chin up, I'm pulling for you.
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