Vanity, Thy Name is Boonzie

I went to the dentist today. Pretty standard visit, no big deal. He did say that I need to get one of my fillings replaced and that I need to get back in soon to get it done so I figure I'll go in next week sometime. He was rooting around in my mouth with all of those sharp, cold instruments that are such a highlight of those bi-annual visits. Spraying water and suctioning are great, too, especially when the hygenist does a better job of spraying water on every possible area of my head except for the mouth, which is a pretty standard event whenever I go there. Thanks. I needed to clean my glasses off, anyway.



So the dentist is talking to the hygenist and mentions something along the lines of,"...blah, blah, yeah, we need to get that [something] metal and get that old cavity refilled before the root gets exposed." At which point I promptly chimed in, "Oh A-wil-wah!!"



"What was that you said?"



"Oh A-wil-wah!" Here, let me move dental tools 1-32 out of my mouth so you understand me. "NO SILVER!!"



"Well, the composite won't hold as long, so you may have to get that refilled again in a few years."



"Fine by me. It's lasted since I was sixteen, so I'm pretty good with having to get it refilled in another thirteen years. I just don't want any of that silver-looking stuff in there."



I admit it - I'm one of those people. I'm not a fanatic about perfection, but I have a deep and abiding appreciation for good looking teeth. And tell me how I can have good looking teeth with all that frickin' metal in there? I like order, I like neatness, I like matching. I like the white crap that fills up my cavity that makes it look like I never even had a cavity. So sue me. I've had braces, retainers, and even two implants put into my lower jaw to make up for two adult molars that were missing. Let me tell you, it took me a long time just to get used to the implants because the two fake teeth they had to screw in are SLIGHTLY gray. Never mind that no one can ever really see them, anyway. I went through much of my adolescence with a gap between my two front teeth that I could shove two quarters into. Real guy magnet right there. So what if I could spit water the entire length of an Olympic-sized swimming pool? It still didn't help me go to any proms! So, when I was sixteen, I had those teeth bonded to look like completely normal front teeth. Problem is, the bonding cement or whatever they used was only supposed to last me ten years. I know. I'm living on borrowed time here, people. Don't think that I'm not dreading when that goop will just pop out while I'm eating lunch and then I'll be restored to my Mad Magazine smile! It's safe to bet that I'll be running all of the red lights to the dentist when that day comes. I'll even admit that I have entertained the idea of checking to see if I could get my gums lasered back a bit because my smile is just a bit too gummy. Too Katie Couric-ish for my taste. But seriously, lasered back? Can they even do that? Wait, don't tell me. If I find out they can, then I really might want to try it.



In the meantime, I don't really think it's over the top to be a little demanding on what the dentist fills my cavities with. It's not like people hang out in lines winding around the block, just waiting for a chance to look in my mouth and make sure that there isn't any silver in there. But if they ever do, man, I might as well make it worth their while.



Next on the list will be getting the ol' choppers whitened. Not that day-glo, Headlamp-in-a-Mining-Cave kind of whitened, but just enough to make a difference. The dentist mailed out coupons this past summer to all of his long-standing patients for half-off of whitening by the end of this year, which still leaves it at over $200. I can't bring myself to spend my meager Christmas present stash on myself, so I just did the next best thing and got the dentist to give me an extension on the coupon, basically until I'm darn good and ready to pay for it.



"So you want the white composite and not the silver, and you want an extension on the coupon?" Anything else, Princess Get the Crap Out of My Office?



Yeah, how about that free toothbrush and toothpaste? I'm about out. Chip in some dental floss and flouride rinse and I'll leave you alone for six more months.



Saves me some grocery money, too.