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Wednesday, November 17, 2004

You Want Me to Eat What?

As I put the final bite of my Hunan Broccoli and Beef microwaveable meal in my mouth, I realize something. I have just thrown one of my most tried and true personal rules out of the window. A rule that those who know me best would say I follow almost religiously.



Old policy: I Don't Eat Anything That Ends In "-ese." Rhymes with: bees.

New policy: Apparently, Yeah, I Do. Rhymes with: Vegetables - one, Boonzie - zilch.



Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Taiwanese. Oh, fine - Thai. I tried. It's not an ethnic thing; it's a vegetable thing. There's way too many in these types of cuisine. Vegetables. Ugh. Don't like 'em. Don't want 'em. Don't need 'em. Or, maybe I might need them a little, but I need chocolate, too. I still hear my dad saying that I'll get scurvy if I don't eat my vegetables. Heh. I am one of the most never-gets-sick types of people that I know. Scurvy? Flu? Common Cold? I laugh at you.



The "-ese" foods. Pure, unadulterated, four-to-six servings a day of e-VIL. So, natch, I do my best to stay away from them, which is why this afternoon's revelation is especially disturbing. I don't know how that "-ese" food got into my freezer, but it could have something to do with the other day at the store when I was frantically trying to beat off the praying mantis girls who actually believe that they need to be eating Lean Cuisines. "Yo, bag boy! Get this chick a cheeseburger sample before I snap her twig arm off in the freezer door!" Back off, sister. Big Beautiful Woman is workin' here.



Yep, I'm thinking that's when it all went downhill. And I'm even more ashamed to admit that the dang meal, although in a portion size for a toddler, was edible. Tasty, even. It's my own fault. I get on these usually short-lived kicks where I think I need to eat healthier, and then something like this happens. I actually do eat healthier. Dang it! I didn't even have to wash it down with water. 'Cause that's the trick, folks. You wanna impress someone with how much you LOVE vegetables? Get yourself a tall glass of H2O and swallow that brussels sprout like a pill. Yeah, you may have to gum it a little - DON'T bite into it; then you actually have to taste it - but it'll go down with one good solid gulp and no one will be the wiser. Make sure you always have that water handy. You sure don't need to be wasting a good Diet Mountain Dew Code Red on a silly vegetable. That's just wrong.



Childish? Perhaps. But I can tell you that I will not be above teaching this little trick to my dear sweet kiddos, should I ever have them (and should they ever, God forbid, take after their mother in this department). It may take them a while to develop their true talent for fake-chewing and "Mmmm, those lima beans are great, Dad!" (he'll be the one cooking, not I), but I'll be darned if I'll let all of these hard-won skills just die with me. And unlike Algebra, they really will use this later on in life. I do actually worry, slightly obsessively, about the influence I may have over my children as far as their eating habits, and I plan on giving them as many vegetables and other healthy-type foods as I can, just like my parents gave me. Then again, considering how my eating habits turned out, maybe I should just stick to the four food groups: chocolate, Stouffer's Macaroni and Cheese, Clucks and Fries from Red Robin, and soda. With just a touch of denial added for flavor. Or if I'm feeling particularly health-oriented, I could whip up a classic of Grandma's: a juicy pear topped with shredded cheddar cheese and a glop of mayo on a bed of cottage cheese, and yes, lettuce. See, I love vegetables! I don't know; we'll see how it all goes.



In the meantime, I am trying to come to terms with the new me. Today, "-ese" foods. Tomorrow, yoga and macrobiotic diets. Watch out, Gwyneth Paltrow.

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