Nerves

Well, I've chewed off all of my fingernails and my hair is graying so quickly that I can't color it fast enough.  The 8-Week Challenge must be around the corner...

AHHH!  I'm so nervous this time around!  Why?  The only thing I can think of is that maybe I'm ready to actually compete this time, and admitting that SCARES. ME. TO. DEATH.  Instead of waiting to fail, as I have mentioned before is my tendency, I kind of want to see what I can really do.  Oh my gosh, this feels weird!  I'm not the person who admits they might actually be capable of losing weight - in a contest, no less - and even doing fairly well in that contest!  Are you kidding me?  That's right up there with people finding out how much I weigh - for real.  Oh, wait.  Ahem.  People DO know how much I weigh.  I slapped that information right up in black and white in my first post!  And now that I think about it, now that I've made it public, I've removed what would normally be shame from that number and realized it's just that.  A number.  Not only that, but it's a number I can subtract from at any time!  What?!?  I have the power to change this number, this cloak of shame I've worn around me to make me invisible?  "Absolutely!" is the answer to that.  I no longer want to be invisible.  I don't want to hide in the back of the family pictures and constantly tug at my shirt as if every pull disguises the rolls.  Because guess what?  Tugging and rearranging and shifting DOESN'T DISGUISE THE ROLLS.  I don't want to miss pool parties because of how I look in a swimsuit and wear sweltering pants in 98-degree weather because I hate my thighs and those little fat pockets around my knees.  And I definitely don't want fat pockets around my knees!!  I mean, what is that ABOUT??

I'm actually a bit competitive.  Not in an "in your face bragging or pouting" kind of way, but rather in a more internal sense.  I'm the person who suggests playing H-O-R-S-E because you don't really have to have any actual basketball skills, and then I secretly fume when I lose.  I'm the one who plays Cranium and laughs at my horrible artistic ability on the outside while discreetly throwing eye daggers to the person who could not figure out that - HELLO - I was OBVIOUSLY sculpting a DOG out of that clay!  And uh, I'm the one who participates in the Jacob's Ladder contest because "I really think I can take these guys!" and then I'm devastated to come in 12th out of 12 competitors!  So, perhaps a bit misguided in my competitiveness, but competitive nonetheless.  This time,  I face my most ruthless opponent: self-doubt.  A loathsome beast with very sneaky tactics that shows no mercy when going in for the win.  But I have some sneaky tactics of my own and I'm pulling out the big guns.  I'm reluctant to call it confidence at this point, so for right now we'll call it focus.  Something I had been completely lacking in my first two Challenges and which I now feel has planted firm roots.

I'm anxious to discover not only what grows from those roots, but what blooms.  See you at the starting line!