She knows she's more than just a little
misunderstood
She has trouble acting normal when she's
nervous
- Counting Crows, "Round Here"
I never been able to decide if I look like my dad or like my mom. There's such an even mix there that I can't really say one way or the other. Or even that I have Mom's eyes, or Dad's lips, or Mom's cheeks, or Dad's forehead, although that's how I assign the origins of those features. I know I definitely don't have their nose. Hell, I don't have anyone's nose, except Bob Hope's, and I don't know how he got in there.
Right now, I'm just sad because...well, right now, I don't even have my own face. The aspects that I use to associate myself with my relatives, to remind me where I'm from, have become twisted and distorted. I have no idea who is looking back at me when I look in the mirror, and a new haircut, sadly, hasn't changed that. I thought maybe it could for a second, but it's just a fancy bow on a very dull package. Too-too-round cheeks, lifeless color, and sad, empty eyes that precariously teeter on the edges of the black bags underneath, threatening to wash away completely with the sting of the first salty tear. They all make for quite a different face than I'm used to seeing. Different than my husband, my family, and my friends used to see. It's not that I think I'm ugly; it's that I DON'T KNOW ME. I DON'T KNOW THE OWNER OF THIS FACE ANYMORE.
Stress, anxiety, worry, and an insane, terrifying urge to consume more food than I should ever be allowed have moved in and left their indelible marks on my face. On my personality. On my heart.
I'm in hiding. Squishy, puffy, stressed-out, sad hiding. And I wonder, how can I ever coax myself out?
How am I gonna keep myself away
How am I gonna keep myself away from me
Keep myself away
How am I gonna keep myself away from me
- again, Counting Crows, "Perfect Blue Buildings"
Trying to take the advice scrawled across my coffee cup and "Love the moment"...
5 comments:
Well...you could try touring with the hair band. I'd be in for a world tour with you. I might even grow a mullett for you if that would help.
Hey you...I think I look like my mom. But I can't break it down past that and say I have her ~this~ or his ~that~. Let the salty tears flow...get that grief and sadness out and off of your heart. Go to bed. Wake up and watch the sunrise and tell yourself that today is the day to start something new. And then do it. I know with me, I get to a point where I'm just so tired. When I'm at that point, I know it's time to change whatever it is that I don't like. I take it one day at a time and pretty soon, I have a week's worth of ~change~ under my belt. Then I say, "Well, if I made it a week, I can make it another week..." and pretty soon it's a month. And if you've made it a month...well..you get the idea. Hang in there.~L.
People who only know my dad, see me and say I look *exactly* like him. People who only know my mom, see me and say I look *exactly* like her. They, of course, look absolutely nothing alike. And, look, not that you seem to be looking for advice so much as an outlet, let me just share (and you go on and ignore this, if it pleases you) that I think the very fact that you KNOW and FEEL what you wrote about in this post puts you miles ahead of me and lots of other people who went on, exactly as you describe, for decades because of denial and/or refusal to even see what was happening to us. So, when it's time to coax yourself out of it, you do it one step at a time. That's it. There is no magic potion, just every day decisions that add up, over time.xoxoMia
Thanks, guys! You are all way too awesome!
Are you still alive?
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