Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Feeling Not-So-Hot

I'm feeling more than a little under the weather today, which I do not appreciate. I so rarely get sick (I mean, almost never) that when I do, it's like a personal failure or something. I'm guzzling down Diet Mountain Dew Code Red, because as we all know, soda is so very known for its amazing healing powers, and I'm just hoping I can get through the day without my swollen throat cutting off my air supply.

Do you ever feel like you're being eyeballed at work for taking time off? I am having that feeling this week. I took off last week because my two best friends since high school (Tawny and Tammy) came into town and stayed with me, and then this Friday I am going to be out because my stepmom Sonjah will be staying with us for the weekend. This summer has been one endless chain of me needing time off, and even though I usually bookend a day or two around a weekend, I have just been feeling lately that I am under very close time-off scrutiny. Hopefully it's just all in my stuffed-up head. I just get panicky about that sort of thing; I don't know why.

I have kind of been out of the blogosphere for a while, but it's mainly been due to my vacation and running around like a crazy person. The girls and I had a lot of fun, and it was a great way to ring in all of us turning 30 this summer. You know, 25 was a hard birthday for me (no idea why), and all of this time, I have been dreading (and documenting it well here) turning 30. The day came and went in June without incident, and really, I'm no worse for the wear. I don't know what I was so worried about. I think part of the trick is to stop constantly comparing myself to others' careers, bodies, looks, finances, etc., and just trying to really get a grip on who I am. Tawny and I got into a very great discussion yesterday about the fact that we are all always so hard on ourselves. I am very well known for putting myself down, especially regarding my weight, and I mentioned how I never really knew how ridiculous it was until the three of us went out dancing one night. We had spent all day getting gussied up, and then proceeded to spend an insane amount of time trying to out-do one another on who's hair was craziest, who looked the fattest, who's outfit sucked the worse, on and on, ad nauseam. And these are girls, let me tell you, who are both insanely attractive. There was absolutely no reason for them to be trashing themselves, yet here we ALL were, becoming more and more ridiculous by the minute. And I was finally, after all of these years, able to almost look outside of myself and see how incredibly annoying I must be. All this time I thought I was making people laugh with my seemingly hilarious jokes, including looking like pre-gastric bypass Carnie Wilson, having my own solar system, or trying to make potato sacks the next big fashion trend. Grossly over-exaggerating myself to others, hoping that if I can make them laugh, then I'm proving to them that I'm still worthy to be around. Thinking that I was getting them to look beyond my appearance, when really I was making it the only thing noticeable about me. Even back when I was thinner but still carrying extra weight, I spent so much time obsessing and comparing myself to others, and just in general, wasting a lot of time living. Maybe if I had learned to appreciate myself then, I wouldn't be struggling so much now.

Listening to all of us that night, putting ourselves down and making ourselves feel bad after having dedicated most of the day to making ourselves really, in my opinion, look beautiful, I realized how much I need to change my ways. I don't know how I will do it, and I'm scared to dedicate myself to such an incredibly daunting task, but yeesh - I shudder to think of what I'll become if I spend my next 30 years - hating myself - the same way I've spent the first 30. I do NOT want that for myself, and I cannot even imagine passing down that self-loathing and criticism down to my future children. May I be forever barren before I will do that to them.

That being said, I am off for a hot bath and crisp, cool sheets, and hopefully refreshed and flu-symptom free by tomorrow...


sdleisher said...

hmm....seemed like someone gave you that same advice before.

Killjoy said...

I think you're on the right track. It's hard sometimes and I face the same obstacles. Blog on, 30 year-old. I'm up next. My birthday is the 30th.