Work It, Baby

Warning: I am about to make fun of somebody. Sorry. It has to be done.

This morning I was driving to work and saw one of the single-most crazy outfits on a person that I have ever laid eyes on. It was the kind of outfit that made me realize that no matter how much I may question how I look in certain clothes, I will never look as ridiculous as this poor lost soul.

She had to have been about my age, or scarily, even a few years older. Translation: OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER. She was standing at a corner of an intersection where I was stopped, waiting for the light to change. First of all, her hair was in a huge, crimped side ponytail, accessorized with giant neon hoop earrings. Disarming, yes, but not the focus here. The outfit started out harmless enough: black jeans with a matching black denim jacket. Not my particular taste, but not offensive. Neon green tennis shoes. Oh, honey, those are bad. Neon orange purse with a huge silver chain slung over one shoulder. Sister, what are you thinking? Seriously, I needed sunglasses just to look at her. She had some, though. Bright white Jackie-O jobs covering two-thirds of her face. A nice touch, but most definitely not the pièce de résistance. I give you two words: puff paint.

She had puff paint ALL. OVER. THE PLACE. On the back of the jacket, three huge puff paint palm trees seemed to sway in the black denim breeze. Pulling it all together were puff paint words in glaring neon colors. The words? "Orlando." "Miami." "Boca Raton." "Daytona Beach." My personal fave? The day-glo orange "Tallahassee" in large cursive script across her rear end. There were more cities in Florida listed on her body than I had ever heard of in my whole life. Up and down the legs of the jeans, all over the sleeves of the jacket, even on the collar. Every dang place on her clothes that she'd ever want to splash a neon Florida city was covered. Some were in all capital letters, some in cursive, and some in lower case. I assume it was some sort of a guide as to the cities she's been to, the cities she wants to go to, and the cities that probably chased her right the hell out.

Now seriously, come ON. We get it. You like Florida. You LOVE it. You're a walking billboard for it. But geez - couldn't you just limit it to a keychain or a coffee mug? Did ya have to go the puff paint route? The cheap, lazy, ultra-'80's version of embroidery? Not that embroidery would have been acceptable here, but STILL. Why are you doing this to yourself, dear lady? And more importantly, why are you doing it to the rest of us? We're just trying to get to work on time. Not having to worry about being blinded by the human neon advertisement for the Sunshine State would help. Did the Florida Tourism Board put you up to this?

As she walked by in the crosswalk, I noticed she had on a T-shirt that said, "Floridaaaaahhh."

Now, this is just me personally, but I was kinda thinking it was more like, "Floridaaaaahhh-ohhhhhh-HELL-no!"